Rhinos, Hyenas and Jackasses...Oh My!

The following blog is from September 14th, 2010:

The lampshade rotated slowly in the still and quiet room. Emanating from the top were two beams of light casting a glow on the planets on the ceiling. As the shade further turned, Buzz Lightyear appeared on the wall and slowly circled the room, wobbling over a Pittsburgh Penguins pennant, a Sydney Crosby Jersey, shower curtains revealed through the open bathroom door, two windows and an autographed framed photograph of President Ronald Reagan; not a standard decoration in the bedroom of a nine year old boy, but still appropriate in a world where most entertainments for children involve violence or some shaman witchcraft a la Harry Potter. The door creaked as it inched open. Dad would never oil that door for at night he wanted to know every time that it opened. The invading light made it appear as if Buzz was passing from out of the earth's shadow.

"Anyone awake?" He whispered hoping not to hear a response.
"Just me dad. I can't sleep."
Raising his voice to normal..."How about a fairy tale?"
"Yea!" came the reply.
Dad came in and sat on the lower bunk, the top reserved for a brother who had not shown up yet.
"How about Hanzel and Gretyl?"
"Nah."
"The Three Bears?"
"Oh sure, bears that talk! Come on dad!"
"But that's what fairy tales are supposed to be son. They free your imagination to think of strange things....like Little Red Riding Hood....a wolf in sheep's clothing...come on....huh?"
"You said that that women named Hillary is a wolf in sheep clothing."
"Well, that's true but that's what called a metaphor."
"A What?"
"Tell you later. I know. I have a story about scary Rhinos. Only they are scary for different reasons."
"Wow. A rhino could scare anyone!"
"These are different types of rhinos. Some of them are very small. Susie the rhino is about mom's size and Olympia the rhino carries a purse. Some are strong with very big muscles like Arnold the rhino, but as soon as Mrs. Arnold comes out, Arnold the rhino sneaks back into the bushes."
"So why are these rhinos scary?"
"Well, they are scary because they are pretending to be elephants. They're very dangerous to little children and babies not born yet because they are always stomping around. They like to live in big castles but when wolves come around they start to take down the castle walls."
"Why do they do that dad? Don't they know that the wolves will come in and eat them?"
"Well, part of the problem is that they do not have very good eyesight. They look at the wolves and think that they are cute little puppy dogs!"
"Wow!"
"And they don't hear very well either. You can warn them that there are bees buzzing all around and even yell 'Look out! The bees are going to sting you!' but they just keep on stomping on baby carriages and school books...so anyway, one day little bitty tea cups hopped up to them.."
"Oh come on dad, tea cups that hop?"
"Use your imagination son. The tea cups hopped up to them and told the rhinos to stop chewing on the animals constitution."
"They were chewing on the animal's constitution?"
"That's right son, chewing on it and spitting it out for there were two much trans fats in the Constitution and not enough fluoride and Prozac."
"What?"
"Never mind, I got carried away; but they chewed and chewed and said that they were going to make their own laws over the animal kingdom. All the other animals were scared  because they knew that the rhinos would get big and fat and eat everything in sight, including all the other animal's food. That's why this is such a scary story."
"Wow! What happens then?"
"Well, one day the lion, the king of the jungle, came back and he was not very happy. He told the rhinos that they were not elephants, they were rhinos, and they were more like jackasses."
"What did he do then?"
"He roared at the rhino castle and it fell down, and he roared at Lisa the rhino and she cried, and he roared in Spanish at the rhino with the white hair!"
"Wow! How did he roar in Spanish?"
"He rolled his R's...anyway he put the tea cups in charge of the constitution, to protect it."
"And what did the elephants...I mean the rhinos...I mean the jackasses do?"
"Well, they cried for a while but then they said 'OK, so we're not elephants...we are really hyenas!' and they laughed this crazy laugh. And then they said that they were going to huff and puff and blow the tea cups away but they didn't have any lips to blow with......then they became lobbyists."
Yawn! "That's a good story dad. I think that I can go to sleep now."
"That's good son."
"Are you going to bed now dad?"
"Soon son... but I have promises to keep and miles to go before I sleep...I'll explain that tomorrow."
He kissed his son on the forehead, put Buzz back into orbit and tiptoed out the door...creeek!