The following is from 2011....and is always over on my humor page....and I will return it there in about a day. An explanation of the above photo is at the end of this post:
Walking into the dark trailer from the bright sunlight temporarily blinded me. The man in the sport jacket over a turtleneck in 85 degree weather....who had his hand firmly clasped around my wrist....had no problem....for the dark sunglasses helped him make the transition easily. The character of Oddjob flashed through my mind as he fit the description complete with a bowler hat on top of his head. I was a little bit disoriented and tried to focus on where I was. There were small television monitors across the one wall and a man sitting in front of them who motioned for me to sit down on a wooden chair directly below the glare of a floor lamp with a flexible goose neck. At least it was cool in the trailer so I took a couple of deep breaths before complaining, "What's all this about?" He ignored my question and said "Tell me, are you a very good gambler...or just a very lucky one. Or is it maybe something else?" "I hardly call it gambling" I said,
and he responded "Well, I guess that I shouldn't either for you seem to win all the time, not much gambling in that." "So that's why you brought me here. I win a lot?" "That's right," he glanced over at my winnings which the apparent security detective laid on the table in front of me and continued. "Is it mathematical equations? Nah....it can't be that....or are you some sort of magician?" "Look" I said brusquely, getting increasingly angry, "My wife must be out there looking for me." I paused to catch my breath and continued, "I pulled five bucks out of my pocket and if I had lost that I would be home by now." "Five bucks? You expect me to believe that you raked in that haul from five bucks?" "Yeah! I'm not going to waste more than five bucks in a dump like this!" With this Oddjob pushed me back into my seat and his friend said "We take a lot of pride in our work. We run a first class operation. A lot of people have a good time, we make a small profit, that is until someone like you comes around." "I have to find my wife." I said. "She must be getting worried by now." My interrogator was heavy set and bald. He began scanning the monitors on the wall. "Look at these screens. do you see her anywhere?" I pulled up closer to the monitors. She wasn't by the merry-go-round, or the caterpillar....or the french fry stand. "There she is. Look...she's looking all around....by the cotton candy booth" Curly, for lack of a better name, looked at Oddjob and said "Go get her. Tell her that we just have few questions for her husband." He looked at me "OK now?" I settled down "Make it fast." He got up from the desk and walked over and picked up Snoopy. It was a good three feet tall, white and fluffy, with a perfect likeness of Charlie Brown's dog. I fidgeted, for the tips of his fingers had nicotine stains. "Please keep your hands of my Snoopy." He set it down and pointed to each one of the stuffed Snoopys "One, two, three, four, five...and six...six huggable, squeezable Snoopys...all won on a game that, mathematically speaking, shouldn't give a winner more than once every other day..." I was getting more irritated and stood up "Look...I tossed the ball and it rolled into the red cup..." He met me face to face "Six Snoopys on five bucks... three balls a buck, that's 16 balls." Oddjob, who had returned, interrupted, "15 balls boss." "Fifteen balls... do you think I was born yesterday?" I didn't back down and shouted myself, in spite of the aroma of sauerkraut...very bad sauerkraut, coming from his flaming nostrils. "Look, there's 576 cups on that board...thirty of them are yellow, 16 are blue and one, in the center, is red! I just happened to toss fifteen wiffle balls and six of them rolled into the red cup!" He backed away "And I suppose you think that a jury will believe that?" "A jury?" I gasped. "This is a travelling street fair...and I won six Snoopy dolls....are you crazy?" "Crazy? Each one of those Snoopy dolls are worth thirty bucks! You walk off with a hundred and fifty bucks of my merchandise and..." Oddjob interrupted "A hundred and eighty bucks boss" "I don't care, a hundred and fifty bucks, a hundred and eighty bucks. I want to know how you did it?" "I told you....I rolled the little white wiffle balls and..." He interrupted again and grabbed a cellphone from his shirt pocket...putting it right into my face "You want me to call homicide?" Oddjob looked at him "Homicide...boss?" "Homicide, Vice, Immigration...whatever. You come into my house and rattle off how may blue and yellow cups.... I don't even know those numbers! You cased this place and I want answers!" I grabbed the phone out of his hand "I'll call the police! You can't pull me in here and give me the fifth degree because I rolled six little white wiffle balls into a red cup!" "One red cup" he shouted "out of six hundred and fifty two cups." Oddjob corrected him "576 boss" "I don't care how many cups are out there. What did you do...guide that wiffle ball into the red cup with some kind of remote control or satellite?" He stopped abruptly and his eyes widened. "Do you have an iPhone? You do, you have an iPhone!" he demanded. "Its an app...isn't it? You guided those balls with an iPhone app!" "Yes I do have an iPhone. Oh Look! Here it is" I said as I took it off my belt. " Lets see.... nine...one...one..." He grabbed the phone out of my hand and began jabbing on the screen all over with his finger, hoping to stop the phone call. Oddjob took it and tapped once to end the call. Curly ran his fingers over his scalp as if expecting to find hair and paced around for a minute or two. "Look. OK. You got me on this one. Tell you what...I'll give you three hundred smackers just to tell me how you did it." "I told you already. I just rolled the little wiffle..." He had had enough of my explanation and pushed me aside as he opened the door of the trailer. The bright sunlight invaded our space and I covered my eyes but not before I could see that he had no hair at all...absolutely none, and a very reddish complexion. "You can leave now...mister. But I'm warning you. By dawn I'll have your picture spread to every carnival...five counties wide... each direction! You stay away from Roll The Ball!" I didn't say anything. I just grabbed my Snoopys one by one and walked out. My wife threw her arms around me and helped me by carrying three Snoopys. As we were walking out of the street carnival, I turned and walked back over to the Roll A Ball. There were half a dozen kids and their parents standing by the rail, waiting to buy balls. I hoped Curly, or should I call him Goldfinger, was watching on his monitors. I started giving away the Snoopys to the kids. They were excited beyond belief and they and their families walked away, holding their prize for the night. I looked up and saw a camera pointing at me from a pole. I saluted into it and my wife and I walked off hand in hand.
There is only a grain of truth in this story. I did go to our local street carnival and bought a peanut covered caramel apple and spent a little bit of time at the Roll A Ball. Watching the kids faces is the real joy, especially since it seems that it was not that long ago that our son was rolling the ball. Today he's a lawyer who could have been called if this scenario had taken place. I did count the colored cups and spent some time trying to figure out just how to land that wiffle ball in the center cup.
Update: The above photo is from tonight as I was drawn once again to Roll-A-Ball. The photo at the top is my winnings....and it only cost me ten bucks!
